


tried to wash you down with something strong

by towokuwusatsuwu



Category: HiGH&LOW: the Story of S.W.O.R.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon-Typical Violence, Friends to Lovers, Implied Sexual Content, Love Confessions, M/M, Rejection, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-06
Updated: 2018-07-06
Packaged: 2019-06-06 06:06:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15188438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/towokuwusatsuwu/pseuds/towokuwusatsuwu
Summary: hyuga and kato have a tenuous relationship. kato confesses his love and hyuga could never feel the same anyway. when kato doesn't return home to the temple, hyuga finds himself forced to confront the feelings he keeps buried beneath his desire of revenge and the realization that his right hand man might not return home again.





	tried to wash you down with something strong

Hyuga Norihisa never set out to fall in love.

Considering he started life as the fourth son of a yakuza lord and finds himself the leader of a group of degenerates that even the rest of S.W.O.R.D. find generally unsavory, the very idea of the motion never meant anything to him. His goal in life began as revenge against Kuryu Group, revenge against Mugen, revenge against anyone and anything that broke his family into pieces and left him where he is today. Nothing else mattered for years, and then because he brought Daruma Ikka together, they mattered to him. He might never have laid hands on his father’s position as head of the family, but in Daruma, Hyuga is respected, his judgement deferred to.

He would have been content with this. Having Daruma at his back means he has an army of his own when the time to fight comes. He has a reputation as a violent man with no limits, someone that even the other leaders do their best to avoid if they can manage to. Not that Hyuga lets them; he wants the S.W.O.R.D. region, the power that comes with the territory, the force necessary to bring Kuryu to their knees before him once and for all so they can taste the defeat that had slowly eroded each and every member of the Hyuga Group.

The people at his back only have to follow his orders, and the lot of them are much like him, willing to fight, to spill blood, to lose and get back up and fight again. Winning means less than continuing to climb to their feet, to fight their way back to the top again and again until no one can deny them anymore. Even then, most of Hyuga’s people are strong and capable fighters, and the warpaint, the steady beat of the drums of battle, beat in their chests and pulse through their veins. There is no finer group of men on this planet.

Kato Shu is one of those men. To be clear, Kato is one of the few men Hyuga trusts implicitly, more than he trusts most of the others, enough that he lets Kato in on more of his secrets than he ever has any other person. It might have something to do with how alike the two of them are; Kato rides into every fight with the inclination to take down everyone with him if he has to go down and Hyuga has seen him stumble back into the temple, knuckles bloodied, lip split, bruised and broken, and heard him talk about how he wants to fight again. How every fight can be avenged as long as they survive on to another day and keep getting back up.

Out of all of the men in Daruma, Kato is one of the first few trailing not far behind Ukyo and Sakyo in terms of those who came to Hyuga’s side, who formed Daruma beneath him. There have been plenty of nights where Hyuga has come back only to find himself sitting across from Kato, letting himself be probed and picked at, bandaged up, each cut carefully sanitized and covered, each bruise inspected, each break attended to.

He remembers the first night he kissed Kato, their mouths tasting of copper. The success of the fight, the desire to celebrate, the sky above their temple lit up in rainbow sparks while Hyuga fisted a hand in Kato’s shirt and drew him close enough to taste him. Those dark eyes had been lit up with fireworks so Hyuga saw the flash of surprise in his gaze, the disbelief, before he leaned in to meet Hyuga halfway, lips soft and slicked with blood.

“Hyuga?” Kato’s eyes on his face, searching him, letting Hyuga hold his shirt while he sways unsteady on his feet, high on adrenaline but uncertain. “Hyuga, what—?”

“Don’t.” Hyuga kissed him again to shut him up, licked into his mouth to taste him, the flavor of his lips and teeth and tongue underneath the blood until Kato’s hands were in his hair, holding it back out of his face, holding their mouths together so hard it hurt. “The temple. Now.”

Everyone in Daruma knows; Hyuga has always made the temple a safe place for those who are scorned by the world, looked down on, kicked aside, forced into boxes and labels that never fit them. Kato said nothing when Hyuga had to yank the binder over his head, kicked his boxers off and the parts didn’t match to the image Hyuga portrays to the world. Hyuga watched his face for signs of anything— judgment, disgust, uncertainty, hesitation— because no one would touch his body without being sure they wanted to. He was worth so much more than that.

“Show me where I can touch you.” Kato’s voice was low and husky, his gaze intent, his breathing already a little strained. “Everywhere I can touch you, because I want to.”

He touched everywhere Hyuga showed him he could, and followed all of Hyuga’s rules exactly, down to the letter. Few men ever did; Hyuga has thrown more people out of the temple than he cares to think about. When Hyuga told him to stop, he did. There were no reminders needed, no warnings; Kato was perfect, too perfect, but it helped that he looked at Hyuga constantly, over and over, checking for reaction, for answer to his wandering fingers and gentle touches.

Kato was gentle. Even when Hyuga pushed him onto his back and rode him so hard it made his own hips and thighs strain from the effort, Kato remained gentle with him, hands resting on his hips, stroking his skin, whispered words too sweet for someone like Hyuga. It would have been for the best to kick him out, maybe. Make it just a sex thing, just a casual search for mutual orgasm with someone Hyuga doesn’t hate so that Kato never learned to care about him.

That morning, he woke up with Kato’s head on his chest and Kato’s arm around his waist, and for just a moment he deluded himself into thinking it could almost be nice like this.

Reality exists for a reason.

“I want to talk to you about something.” Kato finds him attempting to catch a nap on the porch of the temple, his jacket balled up under his head, a makeshift pillow. “Oh, never mind, you’re busy—”

Hyuga sighs, rolls onto his back to look at the man standing above him. “What is it, Kato?”

Kato’s serious expression puts Hyuga off. “Ah, it might be better to talk about this in private.”

“There’s no such thing as privacy at the temple. I don’t care who hears.” Hyuga flaps a hand in the general direction of the main building, stretches his arms over his head. “Just talk to me.”

Kato sits down beside him, legs folded beneath him, hands resting on his knees. His face becomes more pensive and Hyuga narrows his eyes, not trusting that look. “If you end up upset with me that the others found out about this, you aren’t allowed to blame me for it.”

“I won’t.” Daruma might not have many hard and fast rules, but Hyuga is a man of his word.

“Well, I’ve been thinking…” Kato trails off, worrying his lower lip between his teeth. The skin there has split so often, wet with blood, sore and tender. Hyuga almost tells him not to make it any worse than it obviously is. “It’s stupid, actually. Never mind, then, I’m fine.”

Hyuga catches a fistful of his jacket when he moves to stand, yanking him down closer to the floor so that Kato’s hands smack down on the wooden floor, one beside Hyuga’s head and the other near his ribs. “Daruma aren’t cowards. I don’t have time for you to beat around the bush and I don’t appreciate that. If you have something to say, you should say it.”

“You’re close,” Kato murmurs, his voice thick, husky.

“Tell me.” Hyuga lets go of his jacket and Kato sits back up, slowly, careful not to touch Hyuga when he would have found excuses to do so in the past. “Kato, _tell me._ ”

Kato sighs, runs a hand over the top of his head, the faded crimson starting to show dark at the roots. When he first dyed it, Hyuga ran his fingers through it and declared it acceptable, but it almost amuses him Kato keeps it up semi-regularly. “I’ve been in Daruma for years now.”

“Yeah. It’s been that long.” Hyuga couldn’t tell him the exact number if he asked for it; Kato feels like he’s almost been a part of Daruma even though surely that cannot be true.

“It’s been good. I’ve enjoyed it. I like… Being with Daruma. Being with _you._ I wouldn’t leave for anything in the world.” Kato swallows so hard his throat clicks. “Unless you asked me to.”

“Why would I do that?” Hyuga asks.

Kato shrugs. “I dunno. I was just… I just want you to know that I would, if you wanted me to.”

“I’m not going to do that. Fucking idiot.” Hyuga can hear the fondness in his voice and shakes his head at himself. But it’s true; Kato is an idiot and Hyuga would never send him away. “Is that all you wanted to tell me?”

“Yes,” Kato says quickly, too quickly.

Hyuga shakes his head. “No. It’s not that. You’re lying to me, Kato. Why is that?”

“You don’t know that.” Kato frowns at him but Hyuga holds his gaze until Kato’s eyes shift away from his, flicking quickly toward the shadows on the far side of the porch. “Maybe, I guess.”

“You guess. You telling me you don’t know if you’re lying or not?” Hyuga is, maybe, just a little grouchy. He wants to take a nap to make up for what little sleep he managed last night, and he doesn’t appreciate being kept from that because Kato can’t be upfront with him.

It frustrates him more, maybe, that Kato refuses to be open and honest with him. Daruma Ikka is not a place of judgment, and Hyuga has never had to remove a member for anything other than targeting the other members. There was a man once who begged his way inside and let slip just what he thought of men like Hyuga, of the scars Hyuga wears so proud on his chest. But Kato is not one of those people; Hyuga is confident enough in that assertion.

Kato rubs a hand over his jaw and manages, just barely, to meet Hyuga’s eyes once more. “I am lying. I’m sorry. I didn’t think it would be this hard to talk to you.”

“You’ve never had a problem talking to me in the past.” Hyuga knows Kato, how confident he is, how brash, how his mouth occasionally runs faster than his head.

“It’s not something I’ve ever had to talk about before. Maybe that’s what’s different.” Kato laughs, though the sound is without humor and unlike him, almost jarring. “I guess I should just spit it out. Only makes it harder to drag it out like this.”

“That would be correct,” Hyuga mutters.

“Right, then. Fine. Hyuga Norihisa, I’ve fallen for you.” Kato doesn’t let Hyuga say anything, the words spilling out of him rapidfire while Hyuga stares at him. “I don’t know when it started or what caused it really other than just… Just you, just being around you and spending time with you that the others don’t get to. You trust me, I feel like? You talk to me about things. I like spending time with you. I like just _being_ with you. I dunno if that’s love, but—”

“Stop talking,” Hyuga snaps.

The words die in Kato’s mouth with his lips still parted; his eyes widen just visibly.

“Love? You’re talking to me about love? I don’t want to hear that shit.” Hyuga is disappointed in more ways than one; Kato seemed like he had his shit together. “You think you’re special ‘cause I fuck you? It’s not like that. You’ve just got the nicest face around here right now.”

To his surprise, Kato only closes his mouth, nods once, and smiles. It’s small and bittersweet, and it looks wrong on his face. “Of course. I’ve just let everything get to me, I guess.”

“Must be. I don’t love you back, you know, even if you did, for some reason.” Others would view his harsh words as unnecessarily cruel, but Hyuga is upfront. “So don’t get it into your head that I do. I don’t. You’re one of my boys, but that’s it and that’s as far as it goes.”

“Casual sex, I guess,” Kato says.

Hyuga nods, a few jerks of his head. “Exactly. You could be anyone.”

“Okay. I understand. I’m glad we had this talk.” Kato pushes himself to his feet and Hyuga lets him go this time, rolling back onto his side so he can resume the ideal napping position he’d discovered before Kato came to talk to him. “Sorry for wasting your time. Have a nice nap.”

Hyuga doesn’t end up taking a nap, but he doesn’t blame Kato for that.

Nothing changes in whatever they have that could be considered a relationship; Kato has his back in battle and when Hyuga drags him to his private room to make a point, Kato comes freely with him and touches him with no less of the care and consideration he’s always had for Hyuga and his body. The jokes are still there, the days spent lounging around the temple, nights spend bloodying their bodies in an effort to achieve their much-desired revenge.

There is no reason for Hyuga to feel like he did something wrong when Kato can still smile at him, and kiss him, and let Hyuga strip his Daruma jacket from his shoulders when everyone else is watching the fireworks or drinking around the yard. And yet, he does.

“You were just being honest with him,” Sakyo tells him when Hyuga finds himself sitting between the pair of brothers who first joined with him, needing to vent if nothing else.

Ukyo thumps him on the back hard enough to hurt, but Hyuga relishes the pain as he does everything else. “Don’t see him looking like he wants to die so you must not have hurt him that bad. Probably just figured you’d reject him outright to begin with.”

Hyuga makes a face at that. “Then why even tell me to begin with? It’s a waste of time.”

“Ah, Hyuga. You’re a good leader but not a smart man.” Sakyo laughs when Hyuga elbows him hard in the ribs, not appreciating the slander. “What? It’s the truth. You wear your emotions on your sleeve and I guarantee it means you’ve never thought about those who can’t.”

“Why can’t he?” Hyuga demands.

Ukyo heaves a sigh that tells Hyuga all he needs to know about what the two of them think about this situation. “Your reaction could’ve been worse. He didn’t mention you kicking him out for no reason. He thought you might make him leave, _understand?_ ”

“He really thought I’d kick him out over something like that?” The realization doesn’t sit well with Hyuga and he frowns, pulls his lips between his teeth and nibbles on them thoughtfully. “Guess it was a bigger deal to him than I thought it was. _Shit._ I did mess up.”

“Nah. Well, a little. But, if you don’t feel the same way it’s better to just be honest. Even mean. If you don’t give him false hope, he won’t hold out for you to feel the same way.” Sakyo pushes a bottle into his hand and Hyuga takes a swig without looking to see what it is.

When Hyuga tilts his head, Ukyo taps him pointedly on the cheek. “Just don’t chase him out of the gang if he don’t wanna go, okay? He’s a good fighter. We need him still.”

“I know, I know.” He does, at least, know this much. Daruma would be a different place without Kato Shu. “He seems like he’s fine, at least.”

Though if Hyuga missed that Kato was in love with him, maybe he’s missing this, too.

A confrontation with Sannoh Rengokai ends in bloodshed as always but Hyuga would be content on trying to drive Cobra into the ground for the rest of his days. It’s only at the temple that evening that he realizes a familiar head of red hair is missing. He has an ice pack pressed to the back of his head, scanning the men sprawled out in the grass relaxing for the rest of the night until dawn comes, when he realizes Kato is missing.

Sannoh are not violent, not like Daruma, not like Hyuga. They might fight but Cobra would never teach them how to go for the kill or recruit men who already know how. It makes them weak, easier prey than most; Hyuga felt bone crack under his fists more than once tonight and he hopes they enjoy that additional pain. But now, he hesitates. Where has Kato gone?

“Sakyo.” He barely has to raise his voice to draw the man’s attention. “Where’s Kato?”

He watches Sakyo think this over, his stomach roiling unpleasantly when Sakyo shrugs his shoulders. “Dunno. Haven’t seen him since I watched him take a shot at Cobra’s boyfriend.”

Hyuga bothers a few more members of Daruma and combs the temple over twice before he realizes Kato is not with them. The realization dawns over him sick and clammy like a cold hand wrapped around his throat and he bolts through the forest, ignoring the people who call his name. Kato isn’t here. Kato is gone. Kato had been with them when they fought Sannoh and had never come back, and if something happened to him and Hyuga just let it—

He could be anywhere. He could be lying in the wreckage of that parking lot they’d fought in, caught between cars, maybe rolling under one for cover. He might be bleeding, he might be _dying_ and Hyuga left him there. He failed in his role of leader, he failed to make sure his right hand man came home with the rest of them. Hyuga left Kato behind.

As soon as he staggers through the trees he braces himself against one trunk, bent in half, emptying the contents of his stomach into the grass. His skin is cold and he feels sick, feels guilty, feels like he wants to scream but not before he finds Kato. He doesn’t have time to break down when Kato is missing and no one knows where he is, where he might be. No one saw him walk away from the fight and Hyuga will kill every single member of Sannoh Rengokai in cold blood and without remorse if something has happened to Kato.

Halfway to the parking lot, a familiar voice calls his name. “Hyuga? What are you doing?”

“Fuck. _Fuck._ ” Hyuga rubs his hands over his face before he turns around, and it almost _hurts_ how relieved he is to see Kato standing at the end of the street. Something is off about him, though. “Where were you? I was coming to look for you. Where the fuck did you go?”

He advances on Kato so quickly that Kato takes several steps back, throwing his hands up in the air between them. “I got grabbed on my way back. I fell behind the others.”

“Why? Something wrong with your legs?” He wouldn’t be standing on them if there were, and Hyuga knows his voice is too aggressive, too rough. “You’re supposed to be with _me._ ”

“I was tired. I didn’t mean to fall behind, and then—” Kato breaks off with a thin smile and a small, emotionless laugh. “Kuryu goons grabbed me. Guess they’re tired of us always getting up in their shit. I just ditched out of their car a few blocks ago, lost them in the streets.”

“Kuryu grabbed you?” The buzz of white static in Hyuga’s head is almost enough to deafen him.

Kato nods, slowly lowering his hands, though he makes no moves to close the distance between them. “Yeah. They know I’m Daruma. They know I’m, what did they call me, your _lieutenant_ so they wanted to talk to me. Sure they didn’t mean in the traditional sense.”

“They touched you.” Hyuga’s hands curl into fists, shaking hard.

“Hey, hey, chill.” Kato’s hands land on his shoulders and Hyuga has to make a concentrated effort to remain standing still even as his shoulders seem to rattle in their sockets. “I’m fine. Comparatively, I mean, that one bastard doesn’t hit as hard as Yamato does.”

“One of them _hit_ you?” Hyuga twists away, driving his fist into the chainlink fence wrapped around his square of the city, a park long left abandoned, children’s swings and slides rusting in the city air. “One of them fucking put his _hands_ on you?”

Kato’s mouth falls open. “What are you so pissed about? It was one punch. I can handle it.”

“That’s not the point. They don’t touch you.” Hyuga can barely keep himself together.

“What does it matter? We’ve fought them before. It’s not a big deal.” Kato crowds in on him and Hyuga wants to scream at him to back up, to put space between them before his anger misdirects and he ends up hurting Kato worse than any Kuryu goon ever could. He’s just so _furious_ that it’s threatening to bleed his vision red. “I’m fine. Look, I’m right here.”

“They could have killed you and left you in a ditch on the side of the road.” _Because of me._

The hands on Hyuga’s shoulders squeeze, slow and rhythmic. “But they didn’t. I’m right here. And even if they did, you’d get them back for me, Hyuga. I know you would.”

“That’s not the fucking point!” Hyuga yanks himself away and punches the fence again, the rattling not satisfying the intense urge he has to maim, to bleed, to kill. “They took you and they could have killed you and nothing Daruma could do would bring you back.”

_And I didn’t even notice you were gone until it was too late to do anything about it._

“Hyuga, stop—” Kato starts.

“No! I’m— I’m just—” Hyuga punches the fence again, and again, and again until Kato has to hug him from behind and drag him away from it, his already battered hand aching anew. “I didn’t even realize! I’ve been so busy telling myself it’s not my fucking fault that I probably broke your heart that I didn’t even notice you were missing until I couldn’t do shit about it!”

Kato stops, but his arms are just as tight around Hyuga, restraining him. “You what?”

“I… I just…” Hyuga drags his hands down his face and he’s so tired, so sore, and the adrenaline is fading leaving him groggier and achier than before. “I can’t believe I didn’t notice. I’m so used to you being right there that I didn’t even notice when you weren’t.”

“Does it matter so much? I mean, on this path, one day I probably won’t be there.” Kato says it so easily, just like he talked about dying. So easily, too easily.

“No. You’re going to be. You aren’t going anywhere.” The thought of Kato not being there makes Hyuga feel sick, his stomach lurching violently. The only person Hyuga has been able to trust with himself, the man who has his back… The one who loves him. “I’m not letting those bastards take you again. I’m not letting anyone take you away from me.”

“From Daruma,” Kato corrects, and Hyuga squeezes his eyes shut.

_I don’t love you back, you know._

“No. From _me._ ” His voice breaks on the last word. “You belong at _my side._ ”

Kato tenses against his back and Hyuga deserves that, and so much more, because Kato has every reason to be upset with him for this. “No, you said— You told me you didn’t love me. Hyuga, you’re just upset. Let’s go back to the temple. You’ll feel better in the morning. But don’t say anything— Don’t say anything more like that. Because you don’t mean it. You won’t ever.”

They could argue on the street, but Hyuga lets it go knowing all too well it might be his worry and panic getting the better of him, the confrontation with the fact he almost lost Kato tonight. They walk back to the temple together, a heavy silence hanging between them, an impossible distance even though Kato is right beside him, close enough for Hyuga to touch. Maybe he has no right to say these things, or feel the way he does given what he said, and how cruelly he said it, and how he meant every word when he said it.

Maybe Hyuga doesn’t have the right to change his mind about this.

He tosses and turns for hours before he gives up for good, climbing off of his futon and following the familiar hall down to Kato’s room. The door is unlocked and Hyuga lets himself in, the door sliding shut behind him just loud enough for Kato to stir. When he sits up, Hyuga walks over to him and pushes him back down, sitting on top of him like he has so many times before during their more intimate encounters. He’d been afraid to let Kato on top of him at first, needed the control of riding him; Kato gave it to him without question until Hyuga trusted him.

Now, Kato blinks up at him, a resigned expression on his face. “Can’t sleep?”

“I’m a shitty person. I’ve never tried to say otherwise.” Hyuga presses his hands down on Kato’s chest, fingers digging into his shoulders to keep him in place. “I’m not apologizing for being honest with you but I said some fucked-up things when you told me you loved me.”

“Did it keep you up tonight? I mean, I guess what you said about maybe I almost died tonight is true.” Kato’s fingers circle his wrists, and his voice is so low and cajoling. “If you’re upset because you wanted to apologize and realized you might not have been able to after tonight, I mean… I’m not angry with you. That’s just how your personality it.”

Hyuga shakes his head. “No, that’s just an excuse. Why aren’t you pissed at me for it?”

“You were going to reject me. I already knew that. I just couldn’t hide it anymore. You can only fuck a guy so many times when you’re in love with him without it being awkward.” Kato’s lips quirk up in the smallest smile and Hyuga’s stomach tightens at the sight.

He doesn’t deserve this man. There might be no one who does.

“You should be pissed at me. You should be kicking me out of your room for waking you up to talk about this.” Hyuga reaches behind Kato’s head, finds the elastic band in his ponytail and snaps it. His fingers comb through soft crimson locks, mussing Kato’s hair around his face. “Throw me out. Yell at me and throw me out of your room. Tell me you hate me now.”

“I don’t. I never could.” Kato’s smile softens, becomes sadder, and Hyuga _hates_ it.

“I thought you were dead. I thought I’d left you for dead back in that parking lot, that maybe one of Cobra’s guys finally got up the guts to really fight.” It hurts just to think about it, but speaking it makes Hyuga’s throat ache. “Kuryu could’ve killed you to spite me. That’s worse, I think, they could’ve done anything to you and I wouldn’t have been able to stop it.”

Kato sighs softly up at him. “But they didn’t and I’m fine.”

“You’re not fine. You’re pretending to be fine,” Hyuga snaps.

“No, I’m not. I’m fine. Yeah, it hurts. Rejection hurts. But if I let it bother me so much I wasn’t around you anymore, then that’d hurt more. I like my place at your side even if that’s all I’m ever going to get.” Kato should not be the one comforting him right now, not when Hyuga has made all the mistakes and done so little to fix it. “It doesn’t hurt enough to make me hate you.”

Hyuga wants to argue the point, but the sincerity shining in Kato’s dark eyes tells him he would lose that fight. “I don’t know how love works. I couldn’t love you back. But the thought of losing you made me sick. I threw up in the woods. I beat myself bloody on the fence because I thought of them hurting you. I scared the shit out of everyone because I had to come find you. And it made my chest hurt when I saw you were okay. I was so _grateful._ ”

“You were worried about me. That’s almost… Cute, coming from you.” Kato grins at him.

“Like I said, I don’t know how love works. But I know that the thought of you not here at my side made me sick and I don’t want that.” Hyuga’s hands drift upward toward Kato’s face, fingers brushing so carefully over his cheekbones. “I want you right here until everything ends.”

Kato closes his eyes and presses his face into Hyuga’s fingertips. “That’s enough for me.”

Hyuga kisses him, threatens to tumble over on top of him and smash their skulls together because he’s tired and unbalanced and doesn’t want to stop touching Kato’s face. Kato saves him, wraps an arm around his back and pulls him flat down, and they don’t match up perfectly. And that’s fine. Nothing Hyuga touches would ever be perfect anyway. But Kato doesn’t stop kissing him, doesn’t let him go for the rest of the night.

It might not be love, but Hyuga’s certain it’s the closest he’ll ever get.


End file.
